


I, Fallen Jedi

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Story Of Kylo [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Birthday, Canon Compliant, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fallen Jedi Ben Solo, Luke Skywalker Is An Asshole, M/M, POV Ben Solo, POV First Person, Past Child Abuse, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Protective Poe Dameron, Seduction to the Dark Side, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 15:12:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19231657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: The story of Ben Solo’s fall.





	I, Fallen Jedi

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: I’m going to finish this if it kills me.

_— a black cloaked figure wearing an almost avian mask —_

_— a burning landscape —_

_— laughter, almost sinister in nature —_

I snap awake in that moment, looking frantically around the hut that I’m in. I try and reorient myself to familiar surroundings — my calligraphy set that Dad got me for my seventeenth Naming Day, for example. I look around the hut, and it reassures me that I’m still in my own bed. I am safe. I am okay. But it doesn’t comfort me. 

The fact that the sound of cackling still rings in my ears doesn’t exactly help. 

I go over towards my easel — something that Mom got me for my fifteenth birthday when I was into painting. I haven’t used it in a while, but there’s something about the presence of it that is at least comforting. I paint my fiery landscape, the strange figure in black with the almost avian mask. I’m good at painting shapes, always was, actually. 

Talking of the landscape being painted with things, sunrise at least is beautiful. I look out the window at the pink and orange glow of dawn over Yavin. It’s always so beautiful. Yavin in general is beautiful, always. Eventually, my chrono goes off and I’m reminded I have to get to breakfast. 

I change my clothes — they’re a bit stained from painting earlier. That’s what happens when you wear white. I change into new, still pale robes, and brush out my hair before heading to breakfast. My hair is unmanageable sometimes. My father says that my grandmother, Jaina, had the same coloring. Probably pulled it off better than I do, I think. 

It’s on the way up the path that I run into Poe. My heart flutters despite myself. Ever since we both became teenagers, I’ve started to notice Poe in ways that a friend wouldn’t. We’re not friends; we’re more than that. Or could be, but I’m not risking our friendship. 

I’m nineteen now, and Poe is twenty two — and then it hits me. I’m nineteen. Time is not slowing down for me, not even for a while. Everyone’s on their way, including me. 

Kriff, but even that knowledge hurts. 

“You okay?” Poe says. 

“Yeah.” I say. “ ‘Course I am.” I’m not good at hiding my feelings. 

“Ben,” Poe says, “Are you sure?”

I nod. “Rough night. And...I’m getting older.”

”I felt the same way at nineteen, Ben. Believe me.” I’m glad Poe isn’t saying things like “you’ll be fine”. It’s less frustrating that way. 

“Well...thanks,” I say. 

“No problem. Let’s make this Naming Day a good one.”

Hopefully. 

The thing about the Enclave is that I never quite felt welcome there. I never quite felt at home. My mother dropped me off here when I was eight. She said it was for my own protection, but I can feel how scared she is of me. She wanted a disappointment son off her hands. I can feel it. 

As Poe drops me off, he wishes me luck. I nod and step inside. It’s a beautiful place from a distance, but it belies the fact that it scares me. At least some of the people in there do. It’s a lot like I imagine a regular school would be like, if I attended one. Including its share of ridiculousness. 

“You’re late,” my uncle says curtly. 

“I know, uncle, and I’m sorry — ”

”Save your excuses and your sniveling, Ben. I have no use for them. Just because it’s your Naming Day doesn’t mean I’m going to magically excuse your behavior.”

It would be a miracle if my uncle actually was nice for a change, but then again, Mustafar will be nice and frosty before he thinks to apologize. Maybe it’s just me. I just know he hates me. 

Another student snickers. I guess she’s glad it’s not her. 

“Take your seat, Ben,” my uncle says. I do, next to Jake Eran and Ellie Ken, two of my friends at the Academy. Besides Poe, they’re two very good friends of mine. 

“What lightsaber did he shove up his cargo hold today?” Jake says. “Honestly, if he went to an island and never came back, we should throw a party or something.”

”Jake!” Ellie and I both say. 

“And just think, maybe we can get a cantina band in here...”

I don’t want my uncle to leave, though. I just want him to be nice. 

We have breakfast, then practice with our lightsabers. My lightsaber’s blue and single-bladed, the weapon of the Jedi Guardian. I’m in training to be a Guardian, though I’m not very good at combat. My uncle says that my form is sloppy, even though I am trying. 

(Of course, Yoda would have said there was no try)

I practice against Ellie. She’s getting better, actually. Then I practice against my uncle. I’m dreading this one; my uncle is probably the most powerful Jedi in the Order. I don’t stand a chance. 

I fight, of course, but I’m defeated. 

“Get up, Ben,” my uncle says disgustedly. “You embarrass me.”

He doesn’t have to tell me; I already know. 

Kriff, but on the way back, I really, really need to slash something apart. Hurt it. Because I don’t want to be responsible for destroying nature, I kick a rock instead. 

Why can’t I do right by my uncle? Why can’t I get even a smidgen of his approval? Maybe I am just a bad person. Maybe...

”Families can be like that,” Jake said. He should know; his father used to lock him in closets when he’d “misbehaved”. Jake stays in the Order because he really has nowhere to go, and his mother thinks it’ll help him. Heal him. 

But my uncle isn’t even comparable to Jake’s sperm donor. I’m the bad person. Not him. 

Poe catches up with us on the way, and sympathizes as well. “Your uncle...doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” he says. “You’re going to be extraordinary one day, Ben, and he’ll be nothing at all.”

I hope the first one comes true. 


End file.
